Fellows Retreat

9/5/25 - 9/7/25 (University of St. Mary of the Lake)

I am in month 4 now of the Fellows Program, "Walking in the Holy Spirit"

I know I owe an update from month 3, "Following Jesus Christ". August was hard for me, really hard. I was constantly behind in assignments, struggled with all the books (Tozer, Bonhoeffer, & Lewis), and feeling so incredibly lonely. I spoke to many if not all of you about this. Stepping back from ministries, small group, my side gig, everything to put this program first, has been challenging in new ways.

Getting past month 3 and to the retreat, officially "out of the wilderness", was a big win. I had a lot of hope for the next chapter of the formal programming and getting to discuss the materials with others. And I still do, but the day-to-day reading, studying, and work is still on my own of course. And I don't know how to not just perpetually feel behind no matter what.

The retreat was good, long and tiring, but good. See the picture above, where all ~70 of us posed before heading back home on Sunday. My women's group B consists of 12 fellows and our 12 mentors. We spent the majority of the retreat getting to hear each of our spiritual journeys and how God brought us to the program.

So far I'm really enjoying this month's reading and study on the Holy Spirit. A lot. I've never studied just who the Holy Spirit is, why, and how.

But my prayer request right now is every scriptural verse on anxiety.

• Philippians 4 : 6 - 7

• Psalm 55 : 22

• 1 Peter 5 : 7

• Proverbs 3 : 5 - 6

• Matthew 6 : 34

Every day I feel this weight of my assignments. A weight of what 2 hours I'm dedicating to the program. How much will I get done? How much will I retain? Will it speak to me? What will I learn? Will I even remember what I read? How is it transforming me? How behind am I?

I want to be present, in the moment, lost in the reading and meditating on what I'm learning, instead of constantly looking at the clock. Hoping to check a box off my list, thinking about all the other things in life I need to do. And just generally feelings really stupid as I'm reading. How do I not already know this? And what if it all goes in one ear and out the other?

I'm scared I'm going to be done with the program next June and look back wishing I had appreciated it all more while I was in it. Valuing the time and this program more after the fact than during, and losing time I'll never get back again. How can I hold onto it all while I'm here right now? Instead of just feeling over-pressured and anxious and dumb?

Love,

Adrienne